How to: A very short guide to symbolism and how to piss people off
by nevertrustahug
Summary: Suggestiveness and the importance of linear temporal writing. How to sexually frustrate people. Plot? Why does it need a plot…It's a guide- it only needs to be useless.
1. Chapter 1

Volume I

Doctor and Clara sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-… No! They are not kissing! You dirty, dirty little minds…And in fact, they are _under_ a tree.

1.

-"Take it off."

-"I'm not giving you that satisfaction."

-"Just help me out here Clara. Take the skirt off."

-"No. Work around the problem."

_Growling noises_

-"You won't like the outcome this way…"

-"Don't care; just do it."

2.

-"Don't wiggle about. I can't put it in."

-"The big-bad Time Lord can't even find a hole."

-"I can find it Clara; but I can't fit."

-"Is it too big?"

-"No, it's perfect. Be patient."

-"This is taking forever…"

-"Got it!"

3.

-"It hurts."- she says.

-"Well, that's what you get messing around Clara."

_Huffing sounds_

-"Will it help if I stroke it?"

-"No. You already caused enough damage."

-"Then moan quietly if you don't mind. Some of us are trying to do some actual work back here."

-"Yeah…You're doing a _great_ job."

-"It's not my fault! I'm being sabotaged."

-"Just get on with it."

4.

-"Sorry. I just can't do it with him watching."

-"Who's watching? Relax Doctor, please."

_Shuffle…Shuffle_

-"Nope. I tried. I just can't concentrate."

-"Then tell _it_ to go away."

_A few incomprehensible sounds later_

-"I don't think it likes me."

-"Shhh…"

_Flapping sounds_

-"Finally! It's gone Clara."

-"Great. Now you can put those fingers to some good use."

5.

-"A little to the left Doctor."

-"Shush."

-"You're doing it wrong."

-"Am not. I read it in a book somewhere; be quiet."

-"Some funny books you seem to be reading lately…"

-"They are very educational; maybe you could read one of those once in a while."

6.

-"Are you close?"- she asks.

-"Just a few more."-Doctor responds concentrating fiercely.

-"You're painfully slow. Can't you go any faster?"

-"I'm just trying to get it right. I'll be done in a minute; or it may take me a bit longer if you keep interrupting…"

-"Fine."

And now for some context:

It's picnic day! Clara has finally agreed to a quiet day in the countryside, but had rather enthusiastically tried to run across a field; the silly woman; and fell down theatrically on her bum. The bum is a bit sore, but the skirt has sustained major damage- it was torn in places, so the Doctor propositioned his sewing skills to fix the problem.

No, I can't make anything sound dirty, but I _do_ try.

And you thought there would be some proper action under the tree? Ha ha- amateurs.

And that concluded the section on how to annoy people. Farewell, and thanks for all the hate.


	2. Volume II

HOW TO: Volume II

How not to fall in love with a Time Lord

A guide for future companions (you're welcome by the way)

*This is a step by step how not to fall for a dashing Time traveler.

*Effectiveness: 23 %( ±48%), but you should still give it a stab.

Step I

Fall in love with the Time Lord. Because, let's be honest, it's gonna happen anyway; might as well make it a part of the plan. What? You still want not to do that? Fine. Listen up then.

Step I

And this one is very important, so pay attention! OK, here goes: Do not search for galaxies and burning supernovas flying in the universe's dust inside Tile Lord's eyes. Because you'll find them, and then that's it. You're lost. On step one -how embarrassing is that? Right, moving on.

Step II

Do not touch the Time Lord! Whatever you do. This is essential! Time Lords have intoxicating energy that can be transferred through your skin, and it will make all sorts of unmentionable things to you. So take care, right?

Step III

Do not ask the Time Lord questions, or even listen to him talk. Honestly, that's the worst one. His voice will touch the most inaccessible reaches of your soul; creep in there and slowly tease every time it feels like it. It's an agony.

Step IV

Do not dream about the Time Lord. OK, I know you can't really control that bit, but here are some tips on how to minimize the possibility of that happening:

1) avoid going into the Time Lord's bedroom- that is how the dreams start.

2) remove all pictures of the Time Lord from your phone and put a very unattractive one as his profile picture. I don't know-a cabbage or a turnip or something. No! Not the turnip! Something else. Phew that was close…

3) do not stand too close to the Time Lord. His scent will linger in your memory and awaken in your deepest dream state, and that's it. Their smell is alluring you know…

4) do not imagine running your fingers through the Time Lord's curly-silver-dashing and most-softest hair in the universe…

5) Right, where was I?

12) Step III, no… Tip number whatever: do not look at the Time Lord's fingers while he's explaining something to you. Just don't do it. Trust me…

13) do not watch the Time Lord: run, walk, lean, talk, move around or sit in his chair. It's a turning point this one if you're still holding on thin air.

14) do not inquire upon the Time Lord's choice of fashion. Just go with it. Because if you do- he'll start talking, and you'll regress to step III

15) Avoid eye contact, and do not let your gaze drop below the Time Lord's stomach. I said no! What are you doing?! Damn… Another lost soul. Oh well, I tried…


	3. Volume III

How to: A guide

Vol. III

-Time Lords and where to find them-

The Doctor: a detailed elemental study

Name/symbol: The Doctor/ behold the awesomeness that is me (an abbreviation is under process)

Appearance: silvery bluish-gray sexy Time Lord

Atomic number: 2186(±112)

Standard Atomic Weight (±): 89.4 (2 hearts)

Element Category: transition metal, alternating from pre-to-post transition.

Phase: 12th current phase; bit wobbly in the beginning, reached stability sometime after or before that; future prospects indeterminable

Melting point: don't even think about it

Boiling point: any given time someone touches Clara

Density: oh you went there, didn't you?

Heat of fusion: enough to burn a hole in the fabric of reality; trust me-it happened

Heat of vaporization: hanky-panky temperature

Oxidation states: by-pass binary respiratory system; can sustain itself in low O2 concentrations

Electronegativity: Nah. He's actually very positive under all that sarcasm.

Crystal structure: perfect humanoid-shaped form. Bit wrinkled, but still (drooling)

Thermal expansion: Nope…I'm not going there

Moh's hardness scale: (…)

Brinell hardness scale: now you're just being silly

Discovery and first isolation: Who knows…But whoever it was- Thank you! You brilliant, brilliant person!

General: The Doctor is a relatively stable metal when not forced to socialize. The soft-bluish-gray appearance is very similar to the other members of the same metal group. Oh, who am I kidding- there's no one like it.

Like other Time Lords, it prefers using its advanced respiratory system but can, and will thrive in high oxygen environment.

The Doctor is not always considered a transition metal due to its inconsistency in alternating from reaching the far ends of the known and unknown universes, to staying put in someone's bedroom.

The average concentration of the Doctor in Earth's crust is somewhere between 1-12 ppm. And we should all be very grateful for that, since this rare metal usually does not exceed 11.

Doctor occurs as a major component in all of important plots and catastrophes, and therefore is a byproduct of its production, and/or resolve.

The use of the Doctor-element is in increase, regardless of its toxicity and social-sarcastic- diarrhea the element so eloquently sprays upon interacting with.

Physical properties: The Doctor is a soft, malleable, ductile, bluish-white-silvery-long, ambivalent metalloid-structured humanoid-alien that is derived from the planet of Gallifrey of the constellation of Kasterborous.

Unlike most metals from the same region, this one is high in both complexity and the ability to spontaneously burst into flames from shear awesomeness (no heating required).

Chemical Properties: Although the metal has an oxidation state of +2, it also exists in the +1 state. The Doctor burns in air to form silvery amorphous Doctor-oxide that then reflects star-dust and attracts other unsuspected neutrons (companion) into its orbit.

Its crystalline-amorphous-soft-pinkish form creates an isomeric ± L and D epimeres of hair-curliness when stressed or wet.

The oxidation state of +1 and/or (±12) form can be reached by dissolving the Doctor-oxide into highly sticky liquids of any density.

Naturally occurring Doctor is composed of 11 isomers. Two of them are naturally radioactive, and three are expected to decay if not properly experimented with. The 12th isotope is a highly radioactive, unnatural-paradoxical-evolutionary progression of the Time Lord's long-sustainable body's regeneration process.

The Doctor also has one meta-state, with the most stable hair-stickiness formation in the known universe.

The Doctor-element is created via long term exposure to untempered schisms and star-gazing with a mass of 1 up to ? of solar masses. It requires a big-red button to capture a neutron and then undergo Ѳ decay.

Production: No Doctoresque-Time-Lord metal has yet been developed in the laboratory, but said experiments are inexhaustibly performed as we speak.

Application: Doctor-metal has many common universal uses as is a key component in: wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey-stuff production, and is commonly used in saving planets and/or endangered universes.

Compounds: Doctor/Clara. This compound is a potent mix. Stir carefully. Watch out for pressure build up, for it can be cataclysmic.

Safety: The Doctor is not safe. Defensive mechanism not effective. Falling in love imminent.

End of elemental study

[PS. To the anon-anotherquest- Seeing that FFn for some unintelligible but probably highly regarded reason chose to prevent answering anon review/massages, I shall reply as such: The sand would have gotten little or no chance in the obstruction of said scene, seeing that the participants were indeed on a towel; therefore the only golden-sand grains that were relevant were ones in Clara's clasped hand and probably later, on the mentioned Time Lord's masculine and highly sexy back. But if that actually bothered them, you'll have to ask them. I was only a spectator from a distance. - Hope this helps put your mind at ease ;)]


	4. Vol IV

How to: A guide

Vol. IV

-Awkward socialization and how to achieve it-

The importance of being an idiot-Time Lord edition

Intro to sarcasm and why it should be a way of life

*Want to look awkward in public? Want to appear a complete idiot in front of your friends, without effort or a diet? Look no further! This guide will help you reach your goal in just-no time whatsoever! Only 3 minutes a day of non-physical exercise and you will be ready for release into the public. For more information on how to be an idiot, white to us at: (i-am-not-a-jerk-but-would-like-to-be-one dot net) and you may receive a special one-day offer! We still don't know what the offer is, but it's probably useless!

1.

Upon entering a room, cell, bedroom or any kind of location with four walls and a door really, one must present oneself with etiquette and grace upon bursting through said door, and sound one's imminent arrival by creating a series of incomprehensible sounds while splashing one's nose on above mentioned door. One must then open said door, and stroll in as if nothing happened; then later ignore and/or refute any potential implications or proof of one's previous idiotic behavior; of course, while being a perfect gentleman.

2.

When one forgets a social interaction with a normal human being, aka: talk, person's name, life story or love fancy, one must in no respect show one's ignorance and/or Asperger's syndrome, and should set about convincing the other person of the irrelevance of what they have just informed you, and the gratefulness that is expected from them upon your inability to detain their sensitive information.

3.

When one is late for a meeting, social gathering, a catastrophe prevention and/or world destruction, one must elegantly and manly apologize for one's natural- and therefore not intentional inability to conceptualize time, and offer no further information whatsoever. If pressed for details, one can always go to reminisce about one's painful childhood that will inherently deflect any further guilt or hate arrival in one's face.

4.

When one is presented with a poser- (problem, puzzle, riddle- look I'm not a bloody thesaurus! I'm not even English come to think of it, so you look it up!), one must concentrate one's massive intellect upon deciphering said poser. If one's massive intellect is unable to do so, one must stimulate it by other means of persuasion such as: general banter and/or insulting other species. This has been proven to indeed increase blood flow through one's anterior cingulate cortex.

5.

When one is engaged in an energetical jog and/or run, one must try to look as graceful as possible while flaying one's arms about. This is to prevent any potential ridicule and general opinion on one's inability to coordinate and/or lack of spatial orientation. For it is well known that not all can have directional instinct of a homing pigeon.

6.

When explaining a moral dilemma to a seemingly morally challenged individual with no scruples or personal space-respectfulness-fiber, one should replay epic music in one's head. This will help one's argument achieve both awesomeness and gravitas it was intended for, while making one seem confident and completely relevant in delivering said argument.

7.

Deleting other people's comments and opinions is essential in establishing one's own personal opinion's primary function in being considered the only one worth following, and therefore genius. This will in turn play well on one's ego and self esteem, thus creating a full circle of how incredibly genius and potentially cataclysmically brilliant one so clearly is.

8.

When one is presented with an emotional dilemma and/or expressions of feelings towards oneself, one must ask: "What is an emotion, and how do I kill it?" This will prevent one's total collapse into blackness that is depression, self-guilt and social-spasm, and alleviate any "feelings", whatever they might be, thus enabling one to act casual and regain one's glory from earlier.

This concludes today's lesson. Study-up my little penguins.

PS Reply to anotherguest (deadpigeon):

You did not rub it the wrong way sweetie…Damn. My brain is so messed up; even when I try to sound normal it goes all sarcastic on me. It's like -(sarcasm; sarcasm; black; death; caffeine; the smell of dust after rain; the 29-kg-or-something-golden-retriever-that-currently-sits-in-my-lap; rainbow-colored ponies; flowers, oh-the pretty flowers; death; what is the meaning of life?; gosh I'm hungry; sarcasm)- with him. No wonder people are afraid of me… But where was I? Right; the question in question: The magnetism of said Time Lord-element has not yet been extensively studied due to an unexpected feral look the researcher received from the Time Lord; making her fail rather miserably on steps I, III and IV, cracking head down a cliff with step 15 and really all the dream guidelines (the poor sod); subsequently having had to retrieve to a quiet place of tranquility to try and regain some of the sanity she so violently lost, and therefore was unable to finish the study. If the researcher recovers from a said mishap, she will once again attempt to inquire upon the magical-magnetic properties of the metal in question, and will be posting results. Lots of love, and see you in the corner of shame.

PPS

The classification: The metal does have some unusual properties, it being unearthly; therefore does probably fall under a category: a dirty-little-nosy bugger. With trace elements of wonder and star dust within its core, it is very likely that the metal itself present a special group altogether and probably could not be bothered to stay attached to the silly periodic table for any period of time-really. With all of those star-gazing and time-traveling you know…

Reply to Cat (guest):

My dear fellow lost soul. I would be extremely worried if you did know what this is, seeing that even I don't…That being said; just sit back and relax my slow tumble into insanity, and everlasting dream-world (with or without crabs-is yet to be determined) and whatever you do, DO NOT follow in my footsteps. Take care my little rambling friend.


	5. Volume V

How to: A guide

Vol. V

-Rolling on the River-

-Imagination and how to abuse it; the importance of having a respiratory bypass-

(How to sexually frustrate people, part 3)

The_ TimeSarcPharmCorp_ Corporation, in celebration of its first satisfied customer since 1984, will now be releasing an edition of: How to sexually frustrate people guide; 6 easy acts on how to get them up, but not out.

/So we're gonna do the beginning of this story,

nice and easy;

but then we're gonna do the finish,

rough.

That's the way we do- sexual frustration./

Introduction:

-It was smooth beneath Clara's fingers. The cold sensation tingled her tiny body. The little creaking noise was threatening to overwhelm the gentle sounds of their soft breathing. The smell of pine trees and evening mist lingered in their nostrils; mixing with the feel of polished wood and clear Summer's eve.

Act I

-"How about you join me?"- she asks.

-"That's very unlikely."- he responds.

-"Why's that?"

-"I don't enjoy swimming."

-"Yes you do!"

-"Alone, yes…"

-"Now, that's offensive."

-"How is that offensive?"

-"(…)"

Act II

-"Stop doing that Clara."

-"I'm just trying not to drown Doctor."

/rocking sounds/

-"I said stop it. You'd better do as you are told."

-"Or what?"

/silence/

-"Could you pass me the towel?"

-"Sure."- Doctor said standing up.

/rocking sounds/

/Splash! /

Act III

-"Now you've done it Clara."

-"Wow, that's scary…"

/water-disturbance sounds/

-"Doctor?"

-(…)

/water stills; birds are chirping somewhere in the distance over the green hills; light beams flow gently over the lush tree-line. /

-"Doctor?"

/Time Lord surfaces behind Clara, growling in her ear. /

Act IV

-"Is that your hand Doctor?"

-"Yes."

-"Are you sure?"

\- (…) "I think I would know my own body parts, Clara."

-"Still not convinced."

-"Turn around then…"

/Intermission/

_You know how when you wake up at 4:15 in the morning and all you can think about is: What is the point of it all? Like, why do we exist on this infinitely small rock of burning gases, in the un-ending mess that is the universe? And then, you kind of give up, and your mind wanders to the wonders that can be seen, felt and lived through on this magnificent rock we call our home. Just like the Sunset in the mesmerizing canyon you once visited when you were a kid; the enormous canyon that meanders effortlessly and endlessly, making a view of the surrounding white-rock mountain walls a spectacle for sore eyes. And the flaying pine-trees that calm your nerves just by existing. And then there's the river. Oh, the turquoise, clear-cold-magnificent water that slowly passes your tiny, two-paddle wooden boat. And you listen to the silence; and in that one moment everything is all right with the world? Yeah, me neither._

Act V

-"You destroyed my clothes Clara…"

/growling noises/

-"It's a shabby hood with holes in it."

/diving sounds/

-"Oh no."- Clara whispers.

/few moments later/

-"NO!"- Clara tries to reach down, but it's too late. The bottom part of her swim-suit is lost.

-"You didn't… Doctor! Come up here!"-she yells at the turquoise-humming water.

/silence/

-"You come up here this instant!"

-"Yes ma'am."- Doctor declares suddenly appearing inches from her body. Eyes blackened and…

-"Why did you do that?"- she asks.

-"Punishment? Restoring order to the universe? You choose…"

-"I'd rather not."

-"Then I will."- Time Lord growls; for a second nothing happens, but the next moment Clara could unmistakably feel the growing pressure on her

s

e

x

u

a

l

l

f

r

u

s

t

r

a

t

i

o

n

Oh I'm sorry, is there some text missing? Hmmm…I wonder where I put it...Oh well, better luck next time.

Act VI

And as the Sun slowly sets on the scene; throwing golden-red beams on the sparkling-clear water, we are once again reminded of the irrefutable importance of deep-river fishing, and what not to wear while doing it.

This concludes today's lesson on how to sexually frustrate people.

/intro lyrics were modified from the song: "Proud Mary" by Tina the awesome Turner, like you didn't know…/


	6. Vol VI

**How To: A guide**

**Vol. VI**

**Legal notice**

The How to: A guide on how to sexually frustrate people's edition has been discontinued until further notice, due to an unexpected, slightly frightening and irrefutably undeserved law-suit. The TimeSarcPharmCorp Corporation will in the meantime be issuing this statement in reply to the frankly ridiculous accusations put forth upon the grieved researcher, that quite violently hit her in the heart (if she had one), causing her to willow in self-pity and remorse (not really…), thus retreating to her meditation corner and refusing to budge. Thank you for that dear customer (you know damn well which one.)

Legal representation has been acquired (oh you'd like to know where from, wouldn't you…), and a legal disclaimer will-(have been retrospectively yet to be posted on tomorrow's previous Friday, when the Moon is pale and bright in the sky, but not too bright…) - at the beginning of the guide, due to the legal representative's ability to travel in time (so basically, when he gets round to it.).

By legal council, the TimeSarcPharmCorp Corporation will be issuing a counter law-suit for the emotional hurt and trauma it/she/us suffered from having to look into the eyes of the legal representative, thusly suffering the consequences greatly.

* * *

As directed, and pursuant to the Article 57, point 12 of the _Law on Sexually transmitted sarcasm_, (_"Official Herald of Gallifrey, number 11_.), the TimeSarcPharmCorp Corporation issues this disclaimer set forth by our legal representative, and as mentioned in the disposition of this notice:

(The legal representative was advised by the researcher to give a disclaimer in a more appropriate language, (disregarding guideline 13., and step 3.) but was given a feral look, (that led to the spectacular crash on the guideline 15.).

* * *

/ **_Quare tu semper montem conflictum scandere? Te studium, non mentis populus off! Non, non flete,…placeo,…iustus. Convenit. Et prolegam vos. Armgrmngrrrr_**

**_Salve, Penitus-terra populus. Ego in hoc legalis testimonium id. Tempus Dominus; Gloria cum furia et emittam in vobis adtenatio ut noceret mihi, parum carus meum; canum coque. Cave; ego nullus tolerantia pro inhumanitas habere. Ego eripere velox vindicta veniat. Gratias ago tibi quia in tempore non tuo. Tempus est Dominus./_**

* * *

The translation of the legal disclaimer can be found in the archives of the Sirius (_Canis Majoris)_; on display. Also in the _"Chronicles of Time and Space Improprieties"_ set forth by me, the Doctor; and that is currently orbiting a star in the act of becoming a black hole, so do hurry up.

End of Legal Notice


	7. Vol VII

**How to: A guide**

**Vol. VII**

**-The importance of inappropriate touching, and the relativity of proper timing-**

**-Interactive study on confusion-**

**How to sexually frustrate people, part 4**

* * *

_Hello! And welcome to the Annual Championship Game- Cup's final 12__th__ league multispecies, and intergalactic hyper-football match of the century! The pitch is green and sticky, just how we like it, and the crowd is getting restless as they gather in anticipation of the first ball touch of the match! And the silence drops on the field now as the players assume their positions next to each other…There's the whistle and let the game begin!_

* * *

-"Doctor?"- Clara said while ogling a fire-breathing, skin-melting, flesh-devouring monster, raging in a glass cage that was threatening to burst at any moment.-"I know it's unorthodox, but I'm really quite scared right now, so…"- she reaches out to take his hand in hers, but misses…

* * *

_Oh-now! That was a bold move by the player! Distracting the player number12 so that she can get on the ball! You know, when they first got her, fans were skeptical on how she would handle the play, but I must say, doing strong right now! The opponent players are shocked too, so she now has complete control over the ball!_

* * *

-"Clara?"- Doctor's voice was unusually high-pitched.

-"What? Oh?!"- she screams. –"Oh! I'm so sorry Doctor; I thought it was your hand."-she jumped a few feet away.

* * *

_Come on! That was a foul! And against your own teammate! Are you blind referee? That was clearly a low blow, but the referee seems distracted at the moment by the grass he has suddenly found himself smelling…_

* * *

Doctor just stood there, frozen. Even the monster could sense the awkwardness of the situation so it slightly calmed the growling and hissing noises it was issuing.

-"Doctor?"- Clara tried reaching out to his consciousness. –"Are you alright?"

Nothing. Doctor's jaw slightly dropped, he just continued standing there.

* * *

_And we see now the development of the game! It's the 17__th__ minute in the first half and we already have some very interesting happenings on the field! One goal attempt already! What do you think Tim?_

_Tim: Well I must say; the game is infinitely more interesting than the last year's championship game between SlugthornBazel and FlowersareEvil that resulted in so many dead viewers. Quite an improvement indeed._

* * *

-"Please Doctor, just snap out of it…"- Clara tried.

Slowly Doctor's hands moved, but only to come in front of a certain member of his team that was starting to perform some unspeakable contortions.

-"Doctor?"

-"I'm gonna have to go to the bathroom for a minute."

-"Yes, of course…I mean No! Doctor, there's a fire-breathing, skin-melting, flesh-devouring monster after us. You can't go now!"

/Silence/

Doctor looked down, contemplating his options for a second.

-"Nope. Can't wait."- he finally says turning for the door.

* * *

_Oh and what is this now?! One of the players, number12 if I'm not mistaken, is attempting to leave the pitch by his own volition, and a teammate is trying to stop him! If he continues this way, he most certainly is going to receive a yellow-card! Right Tim?_

_Tim: I don't know Mike. The referee seems awfully busy at the moment, admiring the grass and all. He might just get away with it. We'll just have to wait and see._

* * *

-"But the monster!?"- Clara yelled at the retreating Time Lord.

-"Just sonic-it!"- He yells from somewhere outside the door.

* * *

_This is an interesting turn of events I must say our dear viewers! The team-Monster is really trying to get possession of the ball, but after a few failed attempts, they have seemingly given up, and now formed a council-anger-management-circle on the centre of the field! The player possessing the ball has left the pitch, and as I can see from here, is currently hiding behind the bleachers. God only knows what he's doing. Our commentator's spot sadly offers a wrong angle to grasp the issue in hand more firmly…_

* * *

/Doctor returns a couple of minutes later. /

-"Everything OK?"

-"Yes, yes, yes!"- he says happily,-"…why would you ask?" "Oooooh…uuuurrmmmm…Is that a fire-breathing, skin-melting, flesh-devouring monster I see before me?"- Doctor says while embracing the glass cage and squishing his face on it to see clearly.

-"Yes."- Clara says drearily.

-"Did you sonic it?"

-"Yes, but it didn't work,"

-"How about the monster?"

-"What?!"-Clara asks.

* * *

_He's back! The ball is once again on the field, and here's another glorious move by number12. He has tackled the opponent to the ground and is now performing ballet moves across the pitch! Quite spectacular I must say!_

* * *

-"Nothing,…just an inside joke."- Doctor responds running towards Clara and taking her hand. –"Come on!"- he says leading her towards the door,-"…we need to sort something out, and fast."

-"But Doctor!?"

* * *

_Now this is exciting! The returning number12 player has now grabbed his teammate and is dragging her to the pitch line! Ball still very much in his possession; and proudly showing his skills, I declare!_

* * *

-"What if it gets out?"- Clara tried to resist.

-"That's what I was planning on. It's getting increasingly tight down there Clara…"

-"What?!"

-"Oh the monster? Not to worry. The glass is twelve-fold-strengthen, 15 inches thick. No way out.

/The glass starts screeching; little crack appears in the corner of the cage./

-"It always does that."- Doctor says casually.

* * *

_And finally! Some action in the opposite corner! It seems that some of the players found the anger-management-grief-counseling-circle a bit too much and are now running frantically on the field yelling at each other; violently screaming terms of endearment! I fear this might end up in bloodshed, just as it did last year, Tim?_

_Tim: (…) What was that? I was getting my coffee._

* * *

-"Sort _it_ out."- Clara says punctuating.

-"I intend to, but you refuse to come with me!"- Doctor says flaying his arms in protest.

-"Oh, for heaven's sake!"- Clara yells at him. –"The monster!"- she says pointing at the cage.

-"You really should not tease me with that hand Clara. Not after it has so deliciously misbehaved earlier."- he responds licking his lips.

-"If you don't sort it out Doctor, it just might misbehave in a way you won't particularly enjoy."- she says with a wicked grin.

-"Oh I don't know. I enjoy a lot of things Clara."

/Slap!/

* * *

_Heavens! Man down! What a cruel and violent attack on the poor number12! Totally unexpected, and now ladies and gentleman, the poor man is left rolling on the grass clutching his injured leg! Dear me, I don't think he will be able to continue the game after this, Tim?_

_Tim: Vicious, vicious attack by his teammate in an attempt to make number12 pass on the ball. Why I never._

* * *

-"Clara?!"- Doctor gasped in shock.

-"Did you enjoy that?"

-"Not in this context, no…"- he says rubbing his sore cheek.

-"Deal with this beast, Doctor…"- Clara's voice was mildly threatening,-"…it was you who provoked it at the first place."

-"No. I think you'll find it was you who provoked the beast, Clara. The monster on the other hand…"

Clara started to raise her hand for yet another slap, but Doctor was faster this time. He caught it with his, and remained staring her down; eyes glaring.

-"He who plays with fire, gets burned…"- Doctor said slowly, glancing over her body.

-"I thought you were the oncoming storm, not fire…"- Clara says semi-concerned and looking at his clasp on her forearm.

-"_Ad utrumque paratus."-_ he says.

* * *

_And there's the whistle for half time by the referee! Well; not many opportunities but a lot of happenings, wouldn't you say Tim?_

_Tim: Indeed Mike, indeed. The players have an open game and I am glad to see there are no casualties as yet. Apart from those two in the audience, but they clearly deserved it. Anyway, stay tuned for the second half right after this brake._


	8. Volume VIII

**How to: A guide**

**Vol. VIII**

**-Legal matter-**

Day 7. CEO, Entry log 12.

14:23

It's dark, and I am alone. The only light I have is the pale, yellow flicker from the dying candle I found in some drawer. I was lucky.

16:12

I am cold now. There is no heat. I wish I knew why. Also, the others stopped trying to talk to me a while back.

19:09

My pet-rat just died. I cannot mourn him due to my own imminent demise. He had suffered greatly from trying to digest first six days of my log. I shall miss him. He was a good friend.

20:11

I am alone now. My legal representative comes from time to time. He rambles for a couple of minutes, then forgets why he came, and leaves. He mentioned a football match this time, and how it got steamy in the dressing room at half period. At least someone is having fun.

22:14

It's getting darker. My light is dying. The candle is sorely losing the battle with the laws of physics, but it still managed to burn my fingers.

* * *

07:12 Day 8

New day. They tried moving me to a sunnier spot, but I refused. The Sun burns my skin.

09:48

Every time I hear footsteps I fear the worst. They will take me. The Law waits on no one. Who will take care of my dog?

11:11

Legal representative assured me my dog will be safe with him ("-ish"). I am at peace now. Except, I'm in desperate need for the bathroom, and I think I forgot how to work my legs. Also, my eyes hurt when I step into the light. Oh, thy cruel Sun!

14:48

I have successfully achieved in erasing myself from existence. My legal representative got bored from ("_constantly trying to spring me out of trouble; really women, I do have some more important things to attend to…And now I am late for the 2nd half of the match…There will be consequences for this, just you wait…_"), so he showed me how. I do not recognize as a living person anymore, hence no legal actions can be set against me.

15:16

Legal representative came by again, just as I was about to get out of my confinement. He looked cross… He informed me he was hungry, and asked about the microwave. I looked into his eyes…And other areas…

I don't think I will be able to get out of this corner any time soon.


	9. Volume IX

**How to: A guide**

**Vol. IX**

**-Give me everything tonight-**

**-How to sexually frustrate people, part 5-**

"In this context, there's no disrespect

So lose your inhibitions, follow your intuition

And brake away from tradition

As we fall down the rabbit's hole once more."

**1.**

_Her lipstick lingers while her fingertips graze the soft curve and her tongue licks it dry. The sweaty feel under her fingers, mixed with the ice-cold sensation drowns the sound of gentle rocking as she handles it._

**2.**

_He softly grazes it while his lips shiver at the bare touch. He backs up a bit, adjusting to the taste. It's been a while since that powerful sensation._

**3.**

_Her lips freeze for a moment losing their touch, so she embraces the edge of it a bit harder. The soft vibrations tease her, and she craves for more._

**4.**

_He's almost done, but he wants to take it slow. It feels too good to end so soon. But he can barely contain himself from taking it whole._

**5.**

_She is lost in the soft taste of it. She is completely addicted, and just can't get enough. The blurred light dances over the rough edges and she smiles._

**6.**

_He sucks in the juice hungrily but his lips burn for more; so he swallows it whole. He wants more now. He needs more._

**7.**

_She was inpatient so she rushed it. As her warm breath caresses it, she loses control and downs it all at once; but her hand lingers not wanting to let go just jet._

* * *

-"Should I take some more?"- Doctor asks softly into her ear.

-"Do you want more?"- Clara asks back hastily leaning into his neck, brushing it gently.

-"I need more."- Doctor admits.

-"I wouldn't complain for more myself…"- Clara winks.

Doctor nods in approval brushing softly his cheek on her disheveled hair, moving away ever so slowly. He stands up and reaches with his hand, sending shivers as his fingers graze hers. He takes her empty mojito glass and his lemon drop vodka martini (shaken, not stirred), and walks away; maneuvering through the wild crowd swaying to the deafening music.

(the intro lyrics were taken and slightly modified from the song:"Let's get it started" by the Black Eyed Peas.)


	10. Chapter 10

**-How to sexually frustrate people, part 6-**

**A series of unfortunate words**

**_Make me_**

Her lips whispered,

-NOTICE ME-

His eyes lingered,

-FIND ME-.

ooOOOoo

Her hand searched,

-TOUCH ME-

His chest ached,

-LOVE ME-.

ooOOOoo

Her body pleaded,

-TAKE ME-

His hearts cried,

-HAVE ME-.

ooOOOoo

His soul screamed,

-SAVE ME-

Her heart whimpered,

DARE ME-.

* * *

**_As they do_**

They laughed together, as friends do

Carelessly.

ooOOOoo

They loved together, as beings do

Passionately.

ooOOOoo

They made love together, as fires do

Endlessly.

ooOOOoo

They sang together, as angels do

Softly.

ooOOOoo

They held each other, as carers do

Blindly.

ooOOOoo

They travelled together, as explorers do

Hopefully.

ooOOOoo

They fought together, as warriors do

Strainlessly.

ooOOOoo

They moved together, as keys do

Finally.

* * *

**_Passion might_**

And she might have kissed him,

Once or twice.

Kissed his brow,

Kissed his cheek,

Till all the stars grew dim.

ooOOOoo

And he might have touched her,

Here or there.

Touched her neck,

Touched her lips,

Till all he saw was blur.

ooOOOoo

And she might have loved him,

Loved him much.

Night or day,

Light or dark,

Till heart fill'd love to brim.

ooOOOoo

And he might have lost her,

Adventure through.

Lost her touch,

Lost her love,

His hearts without her were.

ooOOOoo

And she might have found him,

Again at last.

Found him crying,

Found him smiling,

Through love's tides to swim.

ooOOOoo

And he might have held her,

Tears in eyes.

Held her close,

Held her tight,

Took a kiss, and then another.

ooOOOoo

And she might have missed him,

Desire torn.

Missed his eyes,

Missed his soul,

And his body fine and slim.

ooOOOoo

And they might have fallen,

Hands and limbs.

Him on top,

Loud and hot,

Till all stars shone for them.


End file.
